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Just Nunu;
I am that fire on your lips. the tingly feeling on your fingertips. that beatles song that runs through your soul. that nagging voice that reminds you of cyclones & blackholes. ♥Magic words: Nunu,Nunu&Nunu and il be there sucking up your life to the fullest. archives 2008-06-15 2008-06-22 2008-07-06 2008-07-27 2008-10-12 2008-10-19 2008-10-26 2008-11-02 2008-11-09 2008-11-16 2008-11-23 2008-11-30 2008-12-07 2008-12-14 2008-12-21 2008-12-28 2009-01-04 2009-01-18 2009-01-25 2009-02-01 2009-02-08 2009-02-15 2009-03-01 2009-03-08 2009-04-26 2009-05-24 2009-06-28 2009-07-12 2009-07-26 2009-08-30 2009-09-06 2009-09-13 2009-09-20 2009-09-27 2009-10-11 2009-10-18 2009-10-25 2009-11-01 2009-11-08 flyaways Jimmy Tenten Nusi Farah Boboy Tomsy Aleed Diana FyQa Bawangs Syazana Khaleq Knights Lingling Majidah MJ Nikki Khalid Nad Yussof Syazana Seruji Dylla Zulkarnain spill it. |
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
blinded
first off, i would just like to apologize for disappearing all weekend, its been FUCKING NUTS in nunu's land. my weekend has been absolutely fucking ridiculous. in the best way possible though. i dont even know how im awake and typing this right now. hahaha. slept in with my best girlfriend, had a date at 2 different beaches and get to eye candy to someone i fancy looking. oh. my. god. a-trak! craze! klever! tittsworth! treasure fingers! whaaaaaat the fuck. best ever! your so fine bedbot. -_- i know its too soon to start off something from scratch. but but your the only exception. i swear. (:  okay, i dont wanna make this as a lovey dovey blog. im sleepy. some days are harder than others, some days i cant even think, some days i cant eat or sleep, some days i cant even leave my bed, some days i feel like giving up, some days are okay, some days i dont even cry, some days i dont miss you as much, ome days i dont need to fake a smile, some days i almost feel happy again, some days i know i will be okay. TOP OF PAGE
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
thanks captain obvious.
im in the midst of feeling like im riding a janky carnival ride. the highs are good; im getting back to myself, opening up in a way that i havent before, reconnecting with the most excellent people. but some days, it feels like the bolts are loose, and things could just shake apart. this last week was shaky. man, was it shaky. it made me really question my expectations about the elements in my life, and now im forced to reexamine what it is i want.  that is such a hard question. what is it that i want? it seems so easy to answer in general terms. happiness. simplicity. success. health. but what about specifics? where do i want to be? what do i want to do? who do i want to do that with? where do i see myself in five years? my aunt asked me that question a few days ago; where i want to be in five years. i could only half smile and shake my head. five years? hell, i dont even know where i want to be in the next five minutes. and the disturbing part of that is, i dont really care. i just have to put one foot in front of the other. live in the moment. try to accept that there are no accidents. that is so hard for me. i want everything spelled out, preferably in a nice font and ready for me to embrace it. right now it is like reaching out to embrace a puff of smoke. but, like my mom once said; leap and the net shall appear. i did leaped lah mom, the net is far. yet im trying to reach it. reaching it is a thrill. thrill that release everything that i have kept for years ago. it is so strange, this feeling of release. i truly havent felt this way in a long, long time. Years. i dont know how much that had to do with internal or external circumstance, really, but i do know that it feels like im finally breathing freely after a long time of holding my breath. i feel myself unwinding. unraveling in the most delicious way. i think that might have alarmed me once, but now i am yielding to the cravings of my heart, and my body, and my mind and im just starting to reignite the fire that has been smoldering for far too long. there is inspiration peeking out of my consciousness that hasnt seen daylight. i have been dreaming so much that when i wake, im overwhelmed with images and sensations and impressions. like things are trying to burst out of me, and my consciousness isnt allowing that to happen quite quickly enough. i feel full of life, and starting to get my pace back, and i feel huge. i feel larger than my physical self. apparently ive been doing a lot of talking in my sleep, too, and that hasnt happened in years either. hahaha. hmm. one died too young. one died too suddenly. one seemed to linger on longer than necessary. one wanted to linger, but lost their grip. one wanted to die. one didnt know whether they wanted to live or die, but decided. one deserved what was coming to them. one didnt. one died when i was too young. one floated away softly, peacefully. one crashed through the barrier. one smiled, and held my hand, and sighed, and died. i carry them all. freedom. i can paint my nails. i can be a bitch. i can do illegal things. i can cry just whenever i can. i can wear wedges. i can eat and be fat. TOP OF PAGE
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
giving away my monday
as you may have figured out by now, im a person who doesnt enjoy living a life of lies. that being said, im very capable of identifying my own weaknesses or bad traits in life. some of them cant be helped, while some are dependent on situation while some are totally outrageously wrong which i have fixed. this will spin one of my most hideous human side. i have no expectation on what you guys may react from these blog posts, but im prepared to be bombarded with criticism that may make my mum cry. i am a kleptomaniac and a thief. to start off the story of how my kleptomania tendency begun, lets rewind to Billys chapter, shall we? remember how was so horrible back then, lonely and needy. fucking needy i tell ya. i didnt really have anyone to share my love, romantically when i know i need someone. i was filthy! in short. but of course, this was theft and not kleptomania. by normal definition, kleptomaniac steal things not because of their monetary value but just for the thrill of doing so. I was both a kleptomaniac and a thief if you ask me. letss start with my major kleptomaniac behavior. i stole someones heart and now i refuse to give it back. its not a perfect crime. he found out that i have stolen it.. and now, he wants it back. no matter how harsh or how lean he wants it back, still. no luck. i know im being such a bitch. letting go is never that easy for me. im the person who holds on into something too tightly. when its time to let go, i would still hold on to it, till i dont know when. its pretty sad anyway, cause he dont understand. i call this real love. sooner or later i know i just have to move on and let it go. forget all the memories, be with someone else, start a new chapter in life. but, i dont have the guts to do so. im too scared to let go, he taught me how to live and for sure il be lost when hes gone. its just i have a feeling that this is NOT it. there will be more of us, if we put much effort on it. ofcourse not now, maybe some other time when his ego is not bigger than his head. me myself, i dont wanna have any string attach, i just want to be OWNED! im not desperate.... yet, but seriously you guys. -_-  ps; this is why im losing weight. FYI! haha. TOP OF PAGE
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
truth always hurts
i discovered this past week that living by myself have turned me into a fiercely independent woman. it was a stark realization actually, and im not sure if thats good or bad. how did i get here? well, i guess its because i have had no one to lean on for the 5 years. i have made all my own choices, acted for myself, been an independent thinker, and havent succumbed to the influence or control of others, sounds awfully freeing to me. in addition, i manage to plead my own money xp, fix my broken things, haul my stuff, and cook my meals. the independent list goes on and on like the energizer bunny. there is no one to do things for me, which just adds to my independent thought of, hell, i can do this myself. on the other side of the coin though i have recognized that living my life in close proximity with other human beings again is going to be a huge challenge, now i moved back in with my family and hell yes i had hard time coping with it. i cant do this, eh nurul you cant do that. eh nurul today you wear this. nurul later you go there. nurul tonight dont go anywhere. oi nurul you better be home before 10. eh nurul hoi, eh hoiii. nurul there nurul here. i dont think i can keep it up this way.  anyways im on a streak. its goddamn hurtful. well the truth really hurts (: but its okay, il try to stand on my own feet. life is a bitch, just go with it. im in a state of confusion where all i think about is what im going to do with life. i dont know what i want. yet chances keeps on hitting me like a thunder. too bad i missed most of it. now i understand what 'you dont know what you have till its gone' means. not being in relationship is hard for me. yet im thankful that i still can be clingy and all (thats the only thing im good at). im a sucker for love, i hate myself for being that. for once i wanna try to be a workaholic. i dont wanna be inlove cause it hurts. i dont even wanna think about it. all i wanna do now is concentrate of whats infront of me and make something out of it. but i dont wanna miss anything while doing this, cause frankly speaking.. im still needing it. wounds takes time to heal, but it will leave a scar that will last forever. quite true issit? so i have been thinking a lot lately, is life trying to tell me something? i see something that can make me happier but will that lasts? i dont wanna take that risk again. im too scared to get hurted.. maybe im good this way, or not? i dont know. let the time tells.  ps; having a relationship in jeopardy happens to me all the time. especially during this time of year. its like christmas! without santa of course. sighh. help me. i just wanna be happy. TOP OF PAGE
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
thank you for loving me.
this is just somethings i want him to know. something to tell him that i appreciate every little things he did to me. and just a piece of shoutout, how much i love being with him  dear fakhruddin thank you for being you. thank you for being my best friend. thank you for laughing at my jokes (which isnt too hard, if you ask me). thank you for always listening to my concerns and doing your best to work through them with me. thank you for being patience everytime i get grumpy and out of control. thank you for not arguing with me just to hear yourself speak. thank you for putting me in my place when i need it. thank you for believing in me and my dreams, and doing everything you can to help make them come true. thank you for sensing when i need your hugs. thank you for sticking by me, even when things get tough. thank you for carrying my purse when im feeling all furiously lazy. thank you for encouraging to work out, even when im grouchy. thank you for helping me refresh my mind. thank you for being smart for most of the time. thank you for spending everyday with me, even when your tired. thank you for introducing me to your friends. thank you for being sensitive when im being a girl. thank you for taking care of me. thank you for lending me your slippers when i forgot to bring mine. thank you for giving me a piggyback ride when im lazy to move around. thank you for taking a good care of my car. thank you for waking in the middle of the night just to talk and comfort me from being needy. thank you for letting me wear your tee shirt and pants when i didnt bring spare clothes. thank you for accompanying me shopping eventho i know you dont like it. thank you for lending me your stinky towel. thank you for posing for me, when i know you dont like taking random pictures. thank you for making all the effort to pick me up, even when your out of transportation. thank you for giving me free sweet hersheys kisses of yours. thank you for going to the saloon with me and waited a long time for me to get done. thank you for all the free food you bought me. thank you for feeling secure with yourself and never insulting me to bring yourself up. nahh just being sarcastic. (: but im okey with it. thank you for rescuing me so long ago, when i was in a very bad place with a very bad person. thank you for showing me what a real man does when they love a woman. and again thank you for being you who sincerely loves me for who i am and what im not.  you were the light at the end of a dark tunnel. you were the best after the worst. you were the strength that picked me up when i was so far down. i thank you for everything you have done for me. even if we dont make it to forever, please know that you have meant the world to me and ill eternally cherish this precious time we have spent together. no matter how hard it is for me to try to love you, i will go through it with the strength you taught me. i believe that loving someone involves endless sacrifice, suffers and deep pain. but without it all, love is just another word without meaning. i love you fakhruddin, head over heels.ps; hafiz, rudy, dylla, nana, trisha, muez, rauf, bahzi and coach ben. thankyou for being there. :') TOP OF PAGE
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
48 questions. (or more)
this has been an issue ever since forever. its gotten worse and worse and now im kind of at my wits end on this issue. i just want to shake him sometimes and ask him what his problem is. when i confront him about it, he tells me he doesnt want to fight over stupid stuff. which on some level is true, its kind of dumb to have a huge fight over egoistic situation, but i dont think i should just act dumb to avoid conflict. in this case i can say ignorance is a bliss.  how do I deal with this? do i want to be in this relationship? am i just in love with love? is this relationship worth all the trouble? is there a solution to this difficult situation? why does he want to be with me? his answers: from the start, i feel like your the only one for me. im a better person when im with you. i miss you. i need you. why do I want to be with him? he makes me feel happy. i care about him. i have still never met someone i could click with the way i do with him. hes comfortable to be with. conclusion: my answers are less definite than his. as if im still acknowledging the possibility there could definitely be other people. i said because he was comfortable, is this love or comfort? should his answers be more like ' because your a sweet person and i love you and your amazing and your funny and your blablablablabla ' does he love me because of me and the person that i am or does he love the way i make him feel? trust me, i know how to make people feel good about themselves. do i just do a good job of stroking his ego? his love is for how i make him feel and that is why he needs me. he doesnt necessarily love my personality, my quirks, my ideas (basically everything about me). if i told him that, i can just imagine how insulted he would feel. i need to tell him i wonder if he loves me for me or superficially just for how i make him feel. one time on a show, i heard that when you fall in love, you fall in love with the feeling you get when your around that person. it is a feeling you fall in love with. okey, fair enough. i can say though that yes i love him because he makes me feel loved and special with all his affection and sweetness, but i also do say: i love him for how unique he is, his simplicity, his sort of childlike ways, his 'innocence', his initiative and decisiveness, his creativity, his alternative sense of humour. see? can he say anything like that about me!? ish.  i think he can, i just dont see it. i think he thinks were destined or something, ring a bell! this is not a disney fairytale or something. i sort of suck at balancing things in life and a boy im in love with is just the thing to throw me out of line with reality and routine and order. TOP OF PAGE
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
yelping with the H.
as i write this, i am intensely frustrated because i made a sincere effort to eat breakfast this morning. i am now staring at this plain bread, cheese and beef salami as if it was the most disgusting thing on the face of the planet. and so starts another day without a halfway solid meal. still in a blah sort of mood. im starting to feel stress and boredom coming on. and i havent been taking very good care of myself this week either. havent been eating right and it feels like i simply cant sleep enough. finding it hard to focus on what ever im doing. i cant tell if the stress is a result of me not taking care of myself or if im not taking care of myself because im stressed and tired. hmm. i know i need to go to hua ho to do some errands. dont really feel like it. all i wanna do right now is doing anything that involves my bed, a pair of sweatpants, throw pillows and a boolster. ive been eating fast food like crazy because im not in the mood for the trial and error process my cooking experiments usually become. and no, its not my mothers job to take care of me (I am grown (; ), but sometimes i wish i had one of those old school moms who was always home with a meal on the stove. my mom prefers fast food too. its one either of ayamku chicken, chicken rice, bakso, soto or food from pasar malam everyday. my hair is SCREAMING for a trip to the saloon, which conveniently will take place around next week. i feel a cut coming on. looking at new cuts has literally been the highlight of my week. Of course a haircut wont change everything, but its hard to be down on yourself when you see a fly ass new hairdo whenever you glance at your reflection. haha Dammit, its only 12! And the day drags on, cant wait for jogging later. i love the adrenaline rush from running. the blood all pumped out to your veins and you actually feel your heart working instead of just beating silently. only jogging will make my day. TOP OF PAGE |
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